


Shards of a Heart

by zenkitty555



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Dark, Doctor Strange Kinkmeme, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Mental Anguish, Physical Abuse, Pre-Canon, Pre-Doctor Strange (2016), Sexual Assault, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 16:09:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15028286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zenkitty555/pseuds/zenkitty555
Summary: Karl Mordo realizes that trying to believe in the good of others is not always a good thing for him.





	Shards of a Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a prompt from the Doctor Strange Kinkmeme.
> 
>  
> 
> _**Dialogue prompt: “I don’t care if they're watching. I'm not done with you yet.”**_
> 
>  
> 
> Please heed the warnings and the tags. I've tried not to romanticize any of what takes place.

“I don’t care if they’re watching. I’m not done with you yet.”

Fingers pressed into his cheeks and against his jaw, like a trainer with an animal. Karl's heart dropped into his stomach, staring back at his supposed partner, wondering how much more embarrassment he could endure. The fire within Kaecilius’ eyes reminded him of his grandfather’s the night he had fled Val Morf. All he could do was wonder to himself if he was going to wind up like his father -dead, left In a ditch somewhere.

“Enough Master Kaecilius,” A voice called. 

As the figure pushed through the crowd, he closed his eyes knowing the voice belonged to Wong. 

Kaecilius’ grip loosened and his hand fell. Karl turned in response, putting his own shaking hand over his mouth to hide his grimace. The rest of the students and masters may not have said another word in the courtyard, surprised at sudden change in the two men’s demeanors, but there would be talk in the hallways and behind closed doors. Little could their audience have know it had been a long time coming.

 

.oOo.

 

When he was younger he was curious as to how others lived their lives; his questions often met with chastisement that he only lived his life and not others. Squirreling himself away with his books in his closet, flashlight in hand, he was able to transport himself to different worlds. It was there where, for a brief moment, he could be a different person. 

In the end his grandfather was right about him; he only lived his own life. It made him angry and bitter when he was in his twenties, but now at thirty-one, he was resigned to this being his fate. 

His grandfather would be proud, even if it felt empty to admit it. 

Maybe it was what drove him to ask the Ancient One if he could go recruit followers. By doing this he could live a different life for a few hours, maybe a day if he were lucky or a little lazy about the job. He sat on benches in parks near prospective learners, listening to their woes, deciding whom would excel and whom were best to be left alone. There were times he walked through foreign markets or through crowded bars, looking for those who needed more. He looked for souls that needed something in their lives that could not be found in the material world. 

It’s how he came to be in Kamar-Taj. The previous Master who headed recruiting stood over him that day, watching him lay bleeding in the streets of Delhi after tangling with the wrong sorcerer. He had been barely saved by disciples of the Ancient One. 

He had been in a much worse state than most when he was dragged in, at least physically. Mentally, it would have been debatable, especially given that one of the latest recruit had watched his whole family die. The recruit was withdrawn, silent, focused on his studies, but agreeable and sociable. In addition, he was intelligent and well spoken. He was shaping up to quickly master the basics, and didn’t slow down at each hurdle. Karl was impressed, but he was determined not to show it. It would not do well to hint at having favorites, and being one of the younger masters, he had to keep up appearances. It was tiring. There was, nor would be any rest within the walls. The few times he had been able to escape and find some comfort outside of his role, it had always been followed by a lull of emptiness, more reflective than depressive in nature.

Directly after his return to his life, he always came back to sitting at the edge of the courtyard, watching people going to and from different areas. And as he sat on the steps, he watched the same motions and rhythms of the day. Greys, burgundies, and other muted colors bounced around in front of him. The only color that ever stuck out was a set of goldenrod ones; a set that caught every master's eye. It was a rare set of robes and normally signaled unrest. They were only worn if something big needed taken care of. If he saw them, it was a call to the ready. 

Today, it was only greys, and burgundies. One specific set of burgundy robes he avoided to look at. Again, it was all about keeping up appearances by not noticing and not being noticed. Most of the times it worked, including that day, until he noticed a set of slightly brighter maroon colored ones, breaking his concentration.

His eyes met Wong’s, and the suspicious look he received was something he knew would be the start of a conversation later. Their relationship was complicated to say the least: on then off, on again, off again, then friends to the point where Wong felt like an older sibling he never had. Once they settled in like this, he could only sigh when Wong would give him advice, no longer feeling the need to fight with him over his good intentions. They were better like this, but he knew Wong knew about his interest in Kaecilius. Karl knew Wong could feel it, having been the recipient of Karl’s attentions before.  Wong had nothing to worry about though. It wasn’t as if he were going to act on it.

As Karl got up from his seat, brushing off his pants, he headed away from where Wong was headed to. It was better that way to keep his sanity and to keep his moment of peace to himself. He went his own way, opposite of Wong’s, but then he found himself accidentally walking into Kaecilius. Kaecilius’ brown eyes seemed to pierce his soul as Karl apologized. His apology sounded smoother than his shaky nerves he felt at the moment. 

Kaecilius’ gaze softened as a small smile played on his face.

“Master Mordo,” he said with a slight bow of his head.

Karl deigned not to answer at that moment, waiting for Kaecilius to continue. Instead Kaecilius left, leaving Karl’s heart racing at a faster pace then it had been. All he could do was  stand still for a second, looking at the man walk away with a confident strut. Kaecilius' hair tied up in a ponytail which fell upon his back and swayed a little as turned his head in the direction he was turning, mesmerizing Karl. Karl could help but feel that Kaecilius was quite a unique find; clearly a someone sure of himself and uncaring of how others perceived him. In some ways, Karl felt envious.

As Karl went to leave, he saw out of the corner of his eyes a figure in lilac colored robes off in the distance watching what had happened, and he tried to ignore the feeling like he had just been caught with his hand in drawer filled with sweets. 

It was best if he just kept his head down for now. 

 

.oOo. 

 

Everyone had ticks and the little tilt of Kaecilius’ head when he was interested in a topic or passionate about a point was a give that Karl came to appreciate. The first time they had a disagreement over an interpretation over a passage, they both dug their heels in, but it had not become overly aggressive in nature. They spoke faster and jabbed their fingers at the book, yet eventually it petered out as they began to understand where each were coming from. Neither made consolations.

So when he made that same tilt of his head as he sat at the edge of Karl’s bed with Karl kneeling before him, Karl didn’t know what to think. The soft lick of lips, combined with his look of contemplation made Karl nervous, butterflies in the pit of his stomach. Behind his eyes was cold calculation, but the softness of the line his mouth was in-

What was real? Was Kaecilius thinking about what they were doing, or was he considering what would be happening later? Karl couldn’t help himself, but he was curious if Kaecilius was still thinking of his dead wife, Adria. Their first time together, he had come with her name hanging off his lips, his eyes closed, and hands place at Karl’s side, far enough not to make contact with his skin. Then, came a small apology as a sob escaped from those same lips that seemed to be possibly playing with him now.

He considered Kaecilius could just be reflecting on the soft intake of air when Karl released his cock from his lips. Was he missing the wet warmth of Karl’s mouth? Deep inside he wanted to believe it was that Kaecilius only wanted to Karl to continue and was waiting. There was nothing more to the look, nothing more to the tilt of the head. Once again he was overthinking it, wanting so bad to please and in turn be pleased with himself. 

He had failed at so many things, and at times seemed to only be good at sorcery, but he wanted to hear that he was worth so much more. 

It became harder to breathe the more the two of them looked at one another.

“We don’t have time, as much as I wish it were otherwise," Kaecilius urged.

If he dwelled on it further, it would lead to questions, but for now, Karl wanted desperately to accomplish what he set out to do. In response, he dipped his head back down to finish what he had started. The weight of a spread hand fell upon his head as his lips once again wrapped themselves around the head of Kaecilius’ cock, and the soft hum above him, almost like a song, lulled him into a more comfortable state. 

For now this would have to do. 

 

.oOo.

 

The tender touches when Kaecilius finally began to accept that Karl was not just a temporary replacement for his late wife had felt blissful. The sly smile he often gave Karl when they were talking about dreams for the future -small vacations near the beach, talks of living together, and his traditions he wished to share with Karl- set his heart aflame. That was years ago, and as Karl sat in his office now, he dreamed of all the things they were never able to do and things that never seemed to come to be. 

Pushing up his sleeves, he turned back to his thick notebook filled with his thoughts about life. It helped him organize his ideas in order to analyze where he was going and how to get there better.

The last few pages contrasted his thoughts about staying at Kamar-Taj or asking to be moved. This was his home, and he didn’t quite understand why it made him so nervous now to stay. Still, going somewhere new was scarier, and he would be less safe in other places. Even if the dangers of venturing outside was most likely not true with the people looking for him probably long dead, he still felt that way. 

His heart yearned for some rest.

When there was a knock on the door, he jumped a little before telling the person to come in. His hand gripped his pen tightly out of nerves, releasing it upon seeing that it was Wong. Wong came and sat across from him, looking at him with a stern, annoyed look. 

“The second time this week Kaecilius has tried to take over my class. Each time he acts like he’s doing me a favor.”

Karl sighed.

“I’m sure he meant no offense.”

Wong didn’t say anything, knowing that it would only cause another argument between the two. Once again Karl reminding himself it came from a good place, but it was not always welcomed.

As the two sat there, Wong looked at Karl as Karl shut his book. Wong’s eyes eventually resting upon Karl’s forearms. In response, Karl unrolled his sleeves, silently cursing himself for not remembering earlier.

“How did you do that?” Wong asked.

“It’s nothing. Just some sparing, that’s all.”

“Funny. I don’t recall any technique that would leave five finger shaped bruises upon someone's forearm like that. Must be a new technique.”

“It was a mistake. That’s all. I’m fine.”

His friend’s silence scared him more than anything. On the surface he seemed to accept it, but Karl liked to study the ticks of people, and the way Wong’s mouth pressed together, he was seething. A wave of guilt went through him as he lied about what had happened. It wasn’t Wong’s business, and it had just been a misunderstanding. That's all it was. There was nothing more to it. 

“If it were a problem, do you think I couldn’t handle it?” Karl asked him with a little more hostility in his voice than he intended.

“Of course you could. I don’t doubt that.”

They left it at that, and Wong took his leave shortly after. He didn’t know what would happen, as a lot of the times Wong would try to take care of problems in roundabout ways. He highly doubted the man would express his concerns to someone else, but he may try to do something he had tried to do before -separate Kaecilius from Karl’s proximity. Wong now knew Kaecilius was the one to leave those bruises, there was no point in trying lie about that.

Things were complicated. Relationships were especially difficult for Karl, but he wasn’t about to throw years away for a few minor misunderstandings. It wasn’t as if Karl were a saint, either. Wong should understand; Karl hadn’t thrown away their friendship after they had parted. Granted,  Wong had never gone as far as to hurt Karl, even accidentally.

At the end of the day he still thought about what took place in his office, and he knew that it probably wouldn’t be the end of it. It made him apprehensive to think about what would happen if Wong caused him to lose what he had. 

What he hadn’t expected was what happened after he got home. Kaecilius came in hours later, irritated by something. His moods seemed to change as quickly as the weather: one day there was sun and the next there were storms. Today seemed like a more stormy day as he sulked in the chair he liked to occupy. His sour mood did nothing to relieve Mordo of the tension he had felt from before.

Absent mindedly he grabbed his forearm while trying to avoid Kaecilius’ stare.

“Your friend is quite concerned about the argument we had.”

“I told him it was nothing.”

“Yet, he persisted in threatening me with expulsion if he saw you with any more marks on your body.”

Karl sighed, “he doesn’t have the power to do that. Besides, I will make sure that won’t happen. Trust me.”

“You do have quite a quaint relationship with the Sorcerer Supreme, don’t you?”

He stayed quiet. He knew what others said about him and the Ancient One: that he was the favorite. It wasn’t true, but the rumors never went away. 

Kaecilius gave a hearty laugh 

“The Sorcerer Supreme does not give favor upon anyone,” Karl protested. 

“You truly believe that with how she gives way to you and your opinions?”

“I don’t know why we are even having this conversation, Kaecilius.”

No sound left Kaecilius lips, but his face said it all. He was annoyed by it still. At this point though, Karl didn’t know if he wanted to exert any effort in order to change the man's mind or mood. It had become cumbersome trying to navigate these aggressive flares they had been having. 

Karl turned to change out of his clothes and wash up before retiring. Although his quarters had more space than the students, it still was not very big, and he would not be able to avoid Kae and his mood. He silently prayed to the Vishanti that Kae would leave and go back to his own quarters that evening, as he occasionally had done when they fought. It happened more and more frequently these days.

When he got out off the bathroom, Kae was still there, undressing for the evening. Karl closed his eyes, not wanting to throw the man out. The last time he tried that, Kae eventually did leave, but not without giving him the bruises that he sported now. 

They settled into an uncomfortable terse silence, Karl eventually climbing into bed with Kaecilius following. He felt his heart beat a little faster than normal, too nervous to say anything. All he wanted was for the next day to come, and for these episodes to pass. All the other times, things were fine, lovely even.

Finally, he felt a hand upon his hip, and heard Kaecilius clear his throat.

“I don’t appreciate being cornered like that. You know I do love you. You made me love you against my better judgement.”

Karl swallowed his sorrow along with the air in his dry mouth; he was unsure of how to respond at first.

“I know. It’s not easy sometimes. It was a mistake after all,” Karl said.

After some time, Karl mumbled ‘good night’ before he fell asleep, expecting to wake up in a better mood and with a fresh start to the next day. Kaecilius’ words were reassuring even if they didn’t make him feel the best. Kaecilius seemed less angry about what had happened earlier, and Karl had a lot of hope as he drifted off into his dream world.

But waking up to a hand around his throat, and then the press of fingers upon his airway, was something he never expected to experience, even after the exchanges they had in the previous days. He didn't want this, not now, not ever. He didn't agree to this, yet it was still happening. Even though he yelped, the sound was muffled, and his scream to stop came out as a little squeak with a gasp. 

Kae had been talking at him while he struggled, “-stop playing coy. If you want to show your friend your marks, I’ll give you real marks to show.”

His mouth sat near Karl’s ear as groaned after saying the words.

Karl felt a thrust against his bare thigh and a rough cupping of his genitals, which responded more than he he liked. His mind and body panicked at the same time. Black bits and flecks of sparks danced in front of his eyes as he tried to beg for mercy. He tried to grab at Kaecilius’ arm and it still wouldn't budge. All while, the other man tried wringing his own orgasm from himself with his free hand. Right before Karl nearly blacked out, the hand at his throat lifted off of him just as the jerking motion at his body slowed. He didn't need to look down or even feel it to know that Kaecilius had come over his leg. 

Kaecilius let out a groan, before telling him, “I hope you remember this.”

He managed to gather enough strength about him to push Kaecilius off and run into the adjoined bathroom, closing the door and locking it. The whole room spinned as he crawled his way over to the toilet to heave up the little contents of his stomach. He had no idea what had just happened. It was shocking how little in control he had found himself. 

There he stayed, unable to move and not wanting to confront the man in the next room. Trying to tell himself Kaecilius had put him at a disadvantage, unable to use all his wits or strength, he steadied his breathing. He should react, like any other threat he had faced before, but his defiled legs felt like jelly. 

Laying down with his head pressed against the cold stone of the floor, he waited until he heard footsteps and the door close. Cracking the bathroom door open, he slowly, cautiously, looked around. When he decided Kaecilius truly left, he crawled back into his bed, curling up and trying to pretend it had been a nightmare of sorts. It didn’t work.

When morning came and he had not slept, a new sort of dread set in. How was he going to go about his day as if it were a normal day? His neck was already marked up from Kaecilius, and the thought of seeing the man who just attacked him sent ice through his veins, making him want to empty his stomach once again. 

Karl weighed his options. He could stay inside and wait for someone to fetch him, or he could go out there. He could go outside and then- He paused unsure of what he would do outside. This was not something he could cover up. It was not something he was even sure he wanted to cover up, feeling violated, scared, angry, and emotional. All he knew is that he wanted away from Kaecilius. Finally the man had taken a step too far. Karl could never excuse something like this.

Putting one foot out of his bed, he nearly stumbled, unable to continue for a minute. 

A knock on his door startled him. He feared who may be on the other side and quietly waited until they went away. Thankfully, they did. He knew Kae would never knock, and whoever it was, he didn’t want to see them.

Carefully he cleaned himself off more thoroughly and put on clothes, making sure to avoid looking at himself in the mirror. The last thing he needed was to see how the colors and shape of the marks had festered into becoming something more grotesque than what they were hours before.

This time he threw on his hood, the one he wore when he went out into the streets of Kathmandu. When he finally decided what he was going to do, he quietly made his way through the corridor and went to the Ancient One’s study. Letting himself in, he waited for the Ancient One to appear after her breakfast. He slumped down in the chair across from hers, his fingers finally coming to rest under the heavy fabric and at his throat. It was painful to the touch. The only thing he could be thankful for was that Kaecilius had not crushed anything important. Kaecilius had seemed bent on teaching Karl a lesson, but there had been a disconnect as well; not realizing how far he had gone.

The day with when Kaecilius grabbed his forearm was now beginning to seem more like a test run.

“Master Mordo.”

Karl didn’t need to turn to know that she was surprised by his early morning appearance, especially with the way he did not get up to greet her. She walked with confidence and swiftness, sitting in front of him and trying to look at his face closer. The oversized hood would shadow his jawline enough, but it would not make the marks disappear, it would only hide his embarrassment and shame. Like all those years before, he knew he couldn’t live in this situation and feel safe. Like before, he wished to find security from her. 

“I-” he had a hard time finding his voice, “will need a few days to myself. I think I need to take a break.”

He couldn’t see her reaction fully since she did not bow down yet again to peer under his hood. The way she twirled her fan though, he could tell she was disturbed by what little she had seen. 

“You may have your time, but I think that there are other things that should be done. Clearly, whatever may have happened recently needs to be rectified.”

Karl felt rage well up in him to accompany his pain and shame, but he tried to remain calm. It took all of his strength to come here and to her, and he felt bitter by the fact he had nowhere else to turn. She wanted to force his hand, but they both knew that they could do nothing really. There were no laws like in the world outside, and the rules there were would only kick Kaecilius out. He didn’t exactly know if he wanted to go that far at this point, as Kaecilius had more anger within him than was good for an excommunicated sorcerer. He knew what lay down that path, as he nearly traveled down that path before. 

He got up, and the Ancient One looked at him with sadness in her eyes when he did make contact with hers. 

“Don’t take any action yet,” Karl said.

He wanted to be free, but he didn’t know how. All he knew was that he couldn’t stay at this moment.

He left the room to go disappear. 

 

.oOo.

 

Karl was still reeling from Kaecilius grabbing him like an animal in front of all the students. He knew Kaecilius was mad about his current situation, but he had no idea he would go that far. 

“This is personal,” Kaecilius said.

“Not in the courtyard it isn't,” Wong retorted, “Let's summon the Sorcerer Supreme and see what she has to say.”

Wong didn’t know the circumstances, but he could have guessed at them. Kaecilius was being sent to the New York Sanctum after Karl had taken off for a week, staying in the mountains amongst some of the retired Kamar-Taj sorcerers that lived within them. The bruises on his body faded, but the emotional wounds were still as fresh and as vivid as the moment they had happened. 

“You best leave for your new position. It’s time for you to progress to the next level,” Karl added some emphasis on the word ‘position’. 

They both knew he didn’t deserve to be moved up, but it would keep him away from Karl, and since Karl refused to talk to anyone about what had happened between them, it was the only thing they could do. 

The secret would at least stay a secret that way, as he couldn’t bear to look weak in front of all his students. He wasn’t weak, he knew this, but he wasn’t about to lay the whole thing out in front of everyone -how Kaecilius attacked him in the middle of the night, or how he couldn’t fight with all his force.

His head was like a game of table tennis, going back and forth trying to decide what would be the best way to react, and the best way to cope with such a thing. He was certain this was not his fault, and wasn’t going to make excuses for his former partner, but Kamar-Taj was complicated even if this was not. 

As Kaecilius walked away, Karl felt the tension leave his shoulders for the first time in months. At least now the monster was not hovering over him, and he could begin to try to put the shattered pieces of his life back together. 

Now,  if only he could find some glue to help him with that.


End file.
